Following the success of the Dudd Paint Range for
2001, Mrs. Dudd and I are releasing some new shades to delight and horrify the
buying public in 2002. The tragic accident involving our pet Anaconda and a food
blender that started this whole 'paint range' malarkey has inspired us further
as we failed to clear up all of the bits of Snuggles last year and now we have
some very colourful (and potentially lethal) strains of fungus in the Dining
Room. Whilst perusing the many different paint ranges available, you are forced
to image fields of golden corn, subtle hues of evening sunlight and other
shades, just bear that in mind as when you see our colour charts...
Emulsion One Coat Paints, available in Matt, Satin, Silk,
Aroma, Wet Look, Fishnet and Rag Roll finishes.
Blood Clot Red
Severed Artery Red
Verde Vomit
Sunshine Warm Bogey
Pink Puke
Midnight Blackhead
Soft Snot
Green Ear Wax
Rusty Nail Flesh Wound
Gangreen
NEW for 2002: Apple Maggot
New for 2002: Navel Fluff
New for 2002: Rotten Peach Fungus
New for 2002: Mouse Dropping
Soft white range (the subtlety of these colours are too fine for the
printing process to show, so you will have to try to visualise them):
White with a gentle hint of maggots
A whiter shade of Pus
Winter Soft Sheen Skid Mark
Summer Armpit Stain (New for 2002)
Ancient Y-Front Yellow (New for 2002)
All of these paints can be purchased at Cramwell's Hardware Emporium just
off the upper High Street in Little Pointinit, near Nohopewhatsoever. Paint
is normally supplied lose pack by the handful, but a sealed tin can be
purchased at a small extra charge, and are available in 20, 50 and 100
handful sizes. Paint testers are available by bringing a sample to the
store, for example a piece of your living room wall, and we will paint
it for a small charge.
Sorry, Dudd's Paints are currently not available by mail order
as the envelopes get all soggy and rarely survive the transport process.
Look out for dudd's range of painting accessories:
One, two and three bristle brushes.
Radiator paint-kit for getting behind those awkward place. Kit includes
crowbar and emergency plumb leak pack.
Paint rollers in widths from seven to twenty nine feet.
Handyman pack. Includes Raymond and Craig, requires regular payment, feeding,
watering and entertainment for best results.
Paint "glooper" for creating impossibly thick layers of emulsion to cover
the cracks and holes that you did not have time to fill before starting
to paint.
Painter Professional Pack. Everything you need to start your own painting
and decorating business. Kit includes very old rusty white van, well-worn
overalls and mug, kettle, tea bags and sugar.
The small print...
One Coat paint must be applied One Coat at a time. On
poor surfaces you may require up to seven coats of One Coat paint.
Aroma finish is Matt and has an in-built authentic long-lasting
smell. See in store for scratch-and-sniff testers.
The Wet Look finish is achieved by simply applying water to the surface at
regular intervals, failure to do so will produce a Matt finish.
Fishnet finish is achieved by first applying a coat of base colour, then
thinning and applying a second coat. Whilst the second coat is still wet, simply
roll over the wall whilst wearing the fishnet stockings (supplied). Warning, if
the second coat is allowed to dry too much, the wearer may become stuck to the
painted surface.
Rag Roll finish is the same as Matt because Mrs.Dudd has not yet worked out what
on earth Rag Roll is supposed to be about - but it sounds good.
All Dudd paint contains a special additive that
provide excellent adhesion and expansion qualities, and is patented under
international law as Dudd Lead.
