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Each day Dr.Dudd has a new 'thought' or two on the main page, constructed from the depths of his depraved mind. These are collected here and may well be used in evidence against him, should the case ever go to court. If its cartoons you want, then go to the cartoon archive or use the cartoon search. If its Haddock you seek, then try the local fishmonger, this is a chemist, not a joke shop.

8/6/02 A retired policeman carried a digital camera in his car for recording crimes. His vehicle was broken in to and the camera was stolen.

7/6/02 Captain Scott would like to apologise for the quality of the Beef Stew in first class, this is due to the new air traffic control system...

5/4/02 Simply draw the tool firmly across the surface of the glass, then apply a little pressure either side of the line for a clean cut. Don't attempt to remove the shard from your eye, simply call 999...

3/4/02 "There are rabbits around here", explained Raymond, "look you can see the raisins that they leave behind, here try one..."

1/4/02  If you don't eat that chocolate up there is going to be trouble.

25/3/02 HELL (H-el) Noun, 1. Eternal damnation, 2. Fitting a flat sheet to a top bunk.

26/2/02 "Now all of you that enrolled in the distance learning programme - please move to the back of the room"

5/2/02 ...and at the budget end of the GPS systems market we have the good old "You Are Here" sticker.

5/2/02 After three weeks sitting at the keyboard, it became obvious that, like so many other dolphins, Flipper had become trapped in the net.

4/2/02 What do you want Mike, the machine has Pepsi, Pepsi MAX, Lilt, Sprite or Self Destruct.

4/2/02 Ladies & Gentlemen, lot number 401, your chance to own a piece of the screen legend Babe, oak smoked and vacuum packed...

25/1/02 I don’t want to scare you guys, but if these are hoof tracks, then there must be a HORSE around here somewhere… arghhhh.

24/1/02 Incy Wincy Funnel Web, hiding in the loo.

24/1/02 Once upon a time there were three little piggies. Each one decided to build a house. The first was made of straw, the second of sticks, but the third was not given planning permission because it was out of keeping with the area. The wolf was granted permission to erect a hideous corrugated iron abattoir.

23/1/02 TAKE COVER, uncle Arthur found the pickled onion jar!

23/1/02 That was a good cast, now next time it would be an idea to make sure there are no small children behind you first. Before you set the rod for your next attempt, it might be worth while offering the mother some help to find the lad over at the weir as she seems a little distressed. Well there is no doubt you have a strong line there…

22/1/02 For God’s sake don’t let Uncle Arthur see the pickled onion jar.

22/1/02 Ladies and gentlemen, my co-pilot has suggested that I might want to revise my last announcement in the light of recent events, to replace the word ‘cruise’ with the word ‘plummet’.

21/1/02 Lesson 1: Now pull the stick back gently and see if you can touch down on the tarmac, just where the foam blanket starts…

21/1/02 "This is a small adult Conga Eel, probably a male defending its territory in the reef. You can see the sheer power of this creature's jaws by the way it sliced through my leg almost effortlessly, then settling back into its lair to let the sharks…”

18/1/02 Microsoft Fight Simulator 2002. Duff up people with this latest sim from Bill Gates.

18/1/02 Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep, and doesn't know where to find them - which is pretty obvious, otherwise they wouldn't be lost. Leave them alone, and they'll come home - unlikely, otherwise they wouldn't have left in the first place. Wagging their tails behind them... possibly, possibly not.

17/1/02 Three blind mice, see how they run... ...Bang!, Thud!, "Oops Sorry", Crash...

17/1/02 PORK MAN, with infinite energy from the brotherhood of swine, was powerless to help as the comet plunged through the atmosphere towards earth. He could only pray that he would be unbound in time, if only the foot and mouth regulations were lifted.

16/1/02 Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

16/1/02 "We have the "Eye of Newt" and "Dragon's Tears", and of course the "Phoenix Feather" was extremely difficult to get, but I think we have to throw in the towel with "Politicians Soul".

15/1/02 Sperm 563,4321,123: "when do we get to the egg?". Sperm 1,651,981: "Hold on, we've only just passed the tonsils".

15/1/02 General protection fault in “stern”. Press [enter] to attempt continue without this module or [ESC] to shutdown the entire ship (unsaved data and all hands will be lost).

14/1/02 For Sale: Extreme fetish/gothic full length dress. Blue floral pattern, washable, polyester cotton by Laura Ashley. Box 109.

14/1/02 "I'd like to return this poop-a-scoop, Prince just can't hold it in his paws".

11/1/02 Piano stool found in the avenue. Owners are reminded that failure to clear up after their pianos carries a £1000 fine.

10/1/02

EXTREME HARDCORE, paving slabs and asphalt delivered to your door. Phone Dave today.

10/1/02 GP100 Wireless Household Alarm System. No wiring, installs in minutes, simply attach bell unit to the outside of the house, place proximity sensors (3 supplied) and attach wrist transmitter to burglars (5 supplied).

9/1/02 Special Deal Winter Getaways for 2002. Ford Sierra Cosworth, Ford Mondeo ST200, Transit Popular with front bull-bars, choice of over 3000 number plates.

9/1/02 For Sale: Collector’s Item: One Can of High Grade Anal Lube. A very poor seller in the 1930’s this rear axle grease from the Anal Motor Company is sold unopened. Contact Box 231.

8/1/02 For Sale: Antique iron forged tool for removing hooves from horses. Contact Box 34.

8/1/02 Car Trackmaster 9000. Track your stolen vehicle in minutes. In the event of theft call our 24 hour hotline and we activate Trackmaster through our nationwide network of transmitters and within moments the hidden camera transmits a picture of your car’s number plate back to us.

7/1/02 True: Warning on a Frisbee - not suitable for children under 3 due to small parts.

7/1/02 NEW* Microsoft Ferry Simulator. The worlds most exciting roll-on roll-off ferry boat simulation program just got better in the latest release for 2002. Check out the new features including: Over-height vehicle manager, realistic Ferry Rage simulation and passing yacht crusher. The restaurants have been upgraded to include “Out Of Coffee” and “Stale Sandwich” simulation, as well as realistic spillages during rough seas. Also available bundled with other great titles: Ferret Simulator and Orbital Sander Extreme.

4/1/02 Video/ 8mm transfer. Call us now for a quote to transfer all of your VHS tapes to 8mm reel.

4/1/02 3.30 at Kempton Park (going is extremely dicey):
Good For Glue - 165-1
Oneleg Missing - 144 - 1
Pimps Pleasure - 69-1
Horseondope - 7-2
Horseonspeed - 3-1
Sierracosworth - 2-1 (fav) - disqualified for not being a horse

3/1/02 Warning, this e-mail might contain a virus, so it is best if you don't open it. For details of the contents please send a letter stating the subject of the e-mail and enclose a SAE to...

21/12/01 "But that is not our son", complained Mr.Crabb when offered the school photo. "That's ok", replied the photographer, "I'll give you 20% off".

21/12/01 Dave, the trainee in finance, could not understand why his cost saving idea of paying people less as the days got shorter in the winter was not approved.

20/12/01 ...and this will be your office, mind the floor polisher and buckets.

20/12/01 The company offices will close for the period between Christmas and New Year for efficiency reasons, however, the workaholics among you have been provided with desks in the north car park.

19/12/01 This open plan area is our new Science Learning Centre, oh no, hang on it's the car park.

19/12/01 "An ancient rule of the school forbids me from chastising you for running in the cloisters Jones", the Headmaster explained, "but strangely it does allow me to boil you in oil".

18/12/01 CORGI installation regulation 401b, subsection 6: the minimum diameter of an externally vented flu may not be less than 790mm, this is to accommodate standard yearly entrance by red-clothed gentleman.

18/12/01 "Hello, is that International Rescue Rescue? This is Scott Tracy, and I am having a bit of trouble getting Thunderbird One started this morning because of the cold weather..."

17/12/01 Dr.Dudd's Hot Racing Tip: 4 O'clock at Chepstow - Make sure you bet on the horse that will wins.

17/12/01 Old MacDonald had a firm, e i e i o, and in that firm he had some manager pigs, e i e i o, with a oink report here, and an oink meeting there, here an oink appraisal there an oink workshop everywhere an oink oink...

13/12/01 Sir Edmund Hill began his epic quest to find the elusive Sod, and ask him how to avoid the effects of his law, when his entire expedition went down with real Galloping Pyaka.

13/12/01 Dr.Jameson pioneered early experimentation into teleportation when he fed his cat into the fax machine and it miraculously appeared in his sister's house. Now all he had to do was to work out how to convert it back from print on paper.

12/12/01 Four days later and Earl had not hit a single trout, "This shootin' fish in a barrel is not as easy as it sounds" he remarked.

12/12/01 The stewardess was relieved when Dave stepped forward to pilot the plane after the flight crew were taken ill by sudden food poisoning. "I have landed a 747 dozens of times" he boasted, "now where is the F7 key to bring up the load game menu?".

11/12/01 Earl stood poised over the old oak barrel with his trusty 12 bore, "Drop in them Trout now Bo" he shouted.

11/12/01 Book Review: James Cartwright's gripping tale of love and romance takes on an epic nature as Sally, the mother of Vietnam veteran Dirk, is portrayed through from early childhood to the very moment that she solders her first resistor in place. The Joy Of Electronics, Pickman 2001.

10/12/01 Santa replied "Elves are hard workers but they have a nasty habit of picking their noses, that's why I call this my bogey wonderland".

7/12/01 Cecil told the stranger that "Christmas is a time for being with the family" and with that he handed over his Great Aunt Maisy.

7/12/01 Christmas Day: Looking at his four year old son, Toby, Mr. Freeman remarked "You must not start to build the train set until you have developed a viable timetable and had it approved by Railtrack."

6/12/01 Today's film: Cannibal Holocaust Vampire Zombies from Mars, certificate PG.

6/12/01 True: Upon hearing that the colour of Poinsettia could be enhanced by blood, Joan duly fed the houseplant with the juice from the uncooked Sunday roast. Half an hour later she returned to find the pot and its contents strewn across the room as the dog had tried to eat it!

5/12/01 Buy my used size 8 pretty white panties. Well stretched as I am a 22 stone builder. Apply to Frank on box 192.

5/12/01 Disillusioned city worker seeks to exchange his soul for three wishes, evil demons please reply to box 415. Would alternatively consider exchange for a five berth caravan - must be in A1 condition.

4/12/01 When Martha burnt the bird again, it was going to be another Christmas with Crispy Aromatic Turkey and Plum Sauce.

4/12/01 For Sale: Large Horse Box, suit horse with a passion for cricket.

3/12/01 And from the east came three kings bearing gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Soap-On-A-Rope.

3/12/01 The store manager was pleased with the turn around in his Winter Grotto, until he found that Santa was sitting the children on his knee so that the elves could punt them out the door.

30/11/01 True: Holly (aged 9) "How can you eat ice cream in November?", Joe (aged 10) "I have the lips for it".

Department store memo: Ideas are requested from staff as to how we can entice customer's in to our shops on Christmas Day, as this is traditionally a time for staying at home.

28/11/01 Samuel grew up believing that the packed bookshelves at the library were sound proofing to provide privacy for people using the Internet PCs between the aisles.

28/11/01 HTTP: Error 505, the Internet is currently closed for refurbishment.

27/11/01 McMonk - a fillet of steamed Monk fish served with a julienne of seasonal vegetables, and a redcurrant and lemon grass jus all in a sesame seed bun.

27/11/01 The world press all turned out to witness the much anticipated launch of Microsoft's newest aircraft blockbuster. After several hours watching a blank screen, someone suddenly realised that this was in fact the launch of Night Simulator 2002.

26/11/01 Lost Pet: Went missing in the New Forrest on Sunday afternoon. Answers to the name Sylvester, pedigree Stick Insect.

26/11/01 For Sale: Collector's item, thigh length patent leather boots belonging to Harold Wilson, as worn during Prime Minister's question time. £497. Would consider swap for the head of light entertainment.

23/11/01 The hills are alive with the sound of region 2 encoded Dolby Pro Logic 5.1 Surround Sound music, but it still sounds like crud!

23/11/01 Under EC regulations, the nursery rhyme had to be changed to "242 grammes of 0.3 Euro rice".

22/11/01 Little Trashing Pony Club - Lesson 4: Ride around Sally, ride Sally, ride.

22/11/01 Sorry about the smell, but the doctor has put me on a strict diet of cheesy garlic puff balls.

21/11/01 Cardiac Specialist: "My heart went boom diddy boom diddy boom diddy boom, diddy boom, diddy boom boom boom".

21/11/01 Space Cadet Fraser raised his hand "actually sir, I have been in a situation similar to death by the Xenoborg brain sucker, I used to work in a Bank".

20/11/01 City girls just seem to find out early, how to open doors with just a knob.

20/11/01 Under the 1956 Top Secret declassification act, after 25 years Dr.Dudd can reveal that Flying Saucer sweets really were made of cardboard and dandruff.

19/11/01 Six pack of assorted Basking Sharks for sale. Body work needs attention, good teeth, £395 ono. Buyer to dismantle.

19/11/01 For Sale: 100 Advanced Balloon Models by Coco, includes DNA double-helix, working Ford Sierra Engine and life size model of the London Eye, plus 97 standard poodles.

16/11/01 Christmas is coming and the goose is getting fat. Who cares? We have turkey.

16/11/01 Deck the halls with extruded polypropylene seasonal foliage, fa la la la la, la la la LA.

15/11/01 "Jane you have to describe Derek's hairstyle whilst speaking like a duck" insisted Graham, "come on get in the spirit of the game, aunt Flo bought it specially"

15/11/01 It is bad enough that clothes shops have the cheek to sell overpriced tat in the form of banal Christmas games and executive toys, but you just know you will end up buying them!

14/11/01 Dr. Spleen was surprised to discover the existence of the Screaming Abdabs virus.

14/11/01 For a laugh, students had removed the "P" from the door to the Particle Accelerator Lab, and watched in stitches as Jeremy, the lab assistant, loaded up several copies of Punch

13/11/01 Constable Rickett replied "After careful analysis sir, we believe that the  thieves entered through the elephant flap".

13/11/01 Fresh turkeys are in aisle 4 madam. No, aisle 5, sorry aisles 3, 7 and 9 - who let the damn turkeys out???

12/11/01 True: "So the towel heater is too expensive for you, but do you still want the heating element for it?"

12/11/01 Clarence was renowned for being laid back about everything. When confronted by a particularly gruesome bad hair day he simply shaved his head.

9/11/01 After further investigation the police concluded that the murderer walked on all-fours wearing size 45 steel radial shoes.

8/11/01 It's a standard fund based equity transfer and holding portfolio module, or "Bank Account"

7/11/01 In a restaurant Clive asked for Coffee without milk. The waiter told him that they did not have any milk and he would have to have it without Cream instead.

6/11/01 Bonfire Night: Martha found time to rid herself of the tools of Sam's sporting obsession.

6/11/01 Surveying the aftermath of the celebrations, Sam was not impressed to find that, in the frenzied burning, someone had thrown his Golf Clubs on the bonfire.

5/11/01 Simon thought that "light the blue touch paper and retire" were inappropriate instructions for a man of 37.

5/11/01 After failing to be impressed by the "Galactic Thunder-blaster" and the "Millennium Starburst", Gregory was surprised when the "Winkle" took out the garden shed and levelled most of Acacia Avenue.

1/11/01 Each year Lionel had the same problem of finding the shops that sold him the clocks, so that he could take them back.

31/10/01 (Halloween!!!!) Jamie was not one of the most successful werewolves, as once a month he got a craving for doggiebix and felt attracted to lamp posts.

30/10/01 "I'd like to return this joystick I bought at the weekend, it got depressed".

26/10/01 Brian should have guessed when he walked in and saw all the men in white tee-shirts and leather caps that this was the Conservative Club.

25/10/01 As a committed carnivore, Carol found it hard to scrape the brains out of the pumpkin at Halloween.

24/10/01 Noting the need for people to use their mobile phones whilst driving, Nokia has introduced the new 8410 model with wheels so that you no longer need a car.

23/10/01 True: Calling at a first floor flat, the BAC Saleswoman asked if any windows needed replacing. When told no, she enquired as to whether a conservatory was required.

23/10/01 Remembering the proverb about closing the door after the horse has bolted, Jacob abandoned the barn and ran after Neddie. When he returned all the cows were gone.

22/10/01 "Hello, you have reached the number of International Rescue, all of our operators are busy right now..."

22/10/01 For the first time ever you found a staff car park space right outside your building, then blew it all when you walked half way across site in the evening before you remembered!

19/10/01 Seeing a bargain sports car for sale at £2, Jim asked the salesman if it was really that cheap. The salesman told him that the for sale sign was indeed £2, but the car was £15,995.

18/10/01 Problem with nasty dog hair and odour? Use SEALO FIDO. Easy to use aerosol spray encloses pet in a fine latex coat.

17/10/01 A stitch in time saves nine milli-seconds, if you are using a Quartz watch.

16/10/01 Why put off today what you can do tomorrow instead of yesterday?

15/10/01 Craig the lobster experienced mixed emotions when the man pointed at him in the tank and said "anyone will do except that one".

12/10/01 The assistant knew that Stan was new to pet keeping when he asked for ten pounds of Spaniel pups.

11/10/01 40 years of music came to an end when Jamie finally closed the lid on the piano - he had crushed the pianist's fingers.

10/10/01 If, pound for pound, a flea could jump as high as an elephant, there would be no more fleas left.

09/10/01 If, pound for pound, an elephant could jump as high as a flea, there would be no more elephants left.

08/10/01 In his defence the "Blood Barber of Misborough" told police that he believed the cut-throat razor to be instructions.

05/10/01 "Why, doesn't everyone have Lamb Rogan Josh and Steak Tartar at children's parties?" asked Alison.

04/10/01 At 1:02PM precisely Dr.Yurgen translated the alien message: "Send us all your nuclear waste and Paul Daniels or we will begin annihilation of your planet at 1:00PM".

03/10/01 A rolling stone gathers no peat-free ericaceous moss substitute.

02/10/01 Never put off today what you can blame someone else for not doing tomorrow.

01/10/01 Due to a tchnical eror in develpng this wesite on rice papr, it is curentl being eate awy by weevils..

28/9/01 Fly me to the moon and let me play amongst the stars, let me see what life is like on Jupiter and Mars, cos its bloody awful down here...

27/9/01 For John the Austin Mini Metro became far more desirable purchase as soon as its owner mentioned that it was haunted by the ghost of Robbie Williams.

26/9/01 Phil hated it in the morning when he discovered the little present that the cat had left on the back step, that was until he found a recipe for mouse soup.

25/9/01 632 days of precious life wasted in useless meetings, and that's only on this project since last Thursday.

24/9/01 Dark Lord Catarrh of the noble house of K'tan stood slowly, his battle torn body bruised and bleeding. Suddenly he slammed his immense fist down on the table and bellowed "I think you'll find that I own Bond Street".

21/9/01 Simon enjoyed a good toasted sandwich in his hotel room, freshly prepared in the trouser press.

20/9//01 Never mind that there was a foul-smelling deranged Kartok Beast in the neighbourhood, how on earth would he get to the office with his car melted by Armoured Acid Weevils?

19/9/01 The pen is mightier than the sword, because you can't write cheques with a sword.

18/9/01 Why is it that you only notice that your PC's menu says "Restart" and not "Shutdown" just AFTER you clicked OK?

17/9/01 Waste not, want not, pick it up and give it to the bloke next to you.

16/9/01 I phone up double-glazing companies and when they answer, I slam down the phone. It cuts out the middle man.

15/9/01 Idea: Everyone knows that exercise bikes are never used, so lets make one very small and light for easy storage in the loft.

14/9/01 As she hurled the 23lb frozen turkey at the cashier she shouted "Fly little birdie, go free!".

13/9/01 As the cars rolled off the ferry, the captain realised that something was missing. Then it came to him, the ramp.

	12/9/01	She slammed the lid down, but now the wasp was on the INSIDE of the jam jar. "Oh well, its all protein" she thought.