The University of Dudd is sponsored by Dr.Dudd's Cartoon World.
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The University of Dudd is sponsored by Dr.Dudd's Cartoon World. |
This page was last updated by Lionel Dumpitoverthere on 12th March 2002 using a rather nifty trowel and some sticky-backed plastic.
Welcome to England's newest university in the beautiful county of Misborough. The main campus is situated on the outskirts of the village of Spam, eight miles south of Rabies. This web site is under development, as the integrated university of Dudd (IUD as it is affectionately known) has only been in operation for a few weeks, but we are already able to offer an impressive range of courses to suit the modern student's wallet.
| Courses starting spring term 2002 - click on the course number for more information: |
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School of Business
Services
B101
- Accredited MBA (Master of Business Administration)
B872
- General Certificate in Educative and Supportatative Endeavour
B2A
- City & Guild Weapon Systems Maintenance part 1 - missiles
B982
- Institute Certificate for Advanced Jamming Techniques
*NEW*
B984 - Diploma in Business Accounting
School of Hard
Knocks
K4
- Certificate of Advanced Sales Technique (used cars)
K8
- Diploma in Doormanship
KY
- Postgraduate Degree in Burglary
Information Technology (incorporating the School of Midwifery)
IT1 - BSc (Honours) in Information Technology
IT4 - Microsloft MCSE (Certified Systems Engineer)
*NEW* IT89877166 - ECDL - European Computer Driving License
Withdrawn Courses
It is with regret that we have been forced to withdraw a number of our courses for a variety of reasons. Students currently engaged on these courses will be transferred to a suitable alternative (unfortunately it is not our policy to give refunds, and ask that students check their change as inaccuracies cannot be rectified later). Please check the list below, and contact your tutor immediately if your subject is listed:
M3 - LAT Diploma - This course in "learning avoidance techniques" was specially developed to help students avoid all of the myriad of Colleges, Universities and online businesses trying to get them onto their learning programmes. The course was so successful that there were no students.
IT8 - National Diploma in Computing Studies - this course has been found to be obsolete as it concentrates all teaching around the Sinclair ZX80 - which has been unavailable for a number of years. Sir Clive, senior course tutor, apologises for the withdrawal of this course to all 9,341 students.
Distance learning
The IUD distance learning programme delivers all of the main courses behind the
Scout's hut in Eggnog, for those students unable to attend in the main lecture
sheds.
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This month's special offer is a BSc (Honours) in Information Technology. Click Here to see if you have enough 'learning credits' to acquire some or all of this qualification online today - those that qualify can print out their personally signed certificate after filling in a few simple details. |
Who can honestly survive in business today without a formal postgraduate qualification that supports their main subject degree? The IUD MBA is a world class masters qualification that will allow you to shoot up the ladder of success in no time at all. The course covers the most modern enterprise techniques such as Project Management Sidestepping, Financial Model Workarounds, Decreased Productivity Scheduling and Meetings Management. As an example, you will learn how to call regular meetings that absorb huge amounts of resource, whilst gaining high-level credit for other people's deliverables. The advanced student will learn how to set meetings, and effectively avoid attending them whilst still reaping all of the brownie points.
At the end of the course you will know how to speak to accountants and lawyers without looking like a dunce. You will be able to stand up in front of The Board and deliver a presentation without wetting yourself, and can write in 100 pages what others struggle to tease out past two or three. **Warning, this course uses flashing light techniques to assist with the removal of certain unwanted traits, such as humour and logical thinking, that can so often be the downfall of a modern senior executive. Do not enrol in this course unless you are certain that you will no longer require your higher thought centres of the brain - once at the top there is no going back!
Course is held every Thursday evening (6:00pm to 10:00pm), cost £5,000.
The term teaching went out with the ark, and now 'learning support' has lost favour - so say hello to the new teaching buzzwords for 2002. At the end of the course you will be able to generate any amount of meaningless banter in place of useful information. At the advanced level you will be introduced to techniques for creating your own jargon and how to get everyone else to use it - hours of fun! So if you are in need of some key stage educative literacy enforcement, or reinforcement of learning nomenclature schemes, then this course is for you.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to launch a Stinger missile at an enemy and see it blown into a million parts, or hankered after the delights of watching an aircraft plummet into the sea after being hit by a Dart missile, then this is the course for you. To make this a short course, all of the theory modules have been moved to part 2, in part 1 you will deal solely with how to aim, fire and guide all of the worlds most modern missile systems. No course would be complete without access to the exclusive Jane's missile systems suppliers book.
Course fees include all necessary live and blank ammunition, £3M public liability insurance for all students and late night access to over 40 of the UK's most secret weapons establishments.
So you have mastered missile systems, and now you are in need of sustenance, what better way to satisfy your hunger that with a really great jam sandwich! But wait, jam sandwiches are rarely great, they are usually flabby and limp - but this need not be the case after you have completed the certificate for advanced jamming (includes all forms of conserve spreading). To qualify for this course you should ideally hold a recognised qualification in buttering or toast preparation.
There are no prerequisites to this course, but students are strongly advised to provide their own toaster to avoid any possibility of passing on sexually transmitted diseases. This course is best suited to those with a flair for spreading, and wishing to make a name for themselves in the sandwich world.
Ever wondered what a Balance Sheet is, or wanted to run a Profit & Loss account? Well, if so, this is NOT the course for you. Business Accounting is all about spreadsheets!!! Microsoft Excel is the world's foremost accounting tool, specifically designed to allow the skilful user to successfully manage the books of any business without the need to pay any attention to facts or figures. The course is split into two main streams. Initially the student will learn how to use Excel to create massive spreadsheets that link numerous files, sheets, workbooks and external objects - to undertake the simplest of tasks. As a qualified accountant you know that the code must never be broken - no manager or director may ever know the secrets of your working out! In the second course module you will learn vital communication skills to deliver the bad news to your business colleagues. How to not be caught out by "why does my cost centre appear to have paid all of the salaries of the Payroll Department?" and to appear to reverse the error whilst in fact double-charging it back to the same cost centre.
As a fully qualified Management Accountant you will have the power to make profitable cost centres seem huge loss makers, whilst delivering the worst performing cost centres as the money makers. All managers will fear you, and you will have ultimate power in your company, so join this course now.
So ya fancy yerself as a demon of the forecourt! Wewl, it aint easy, but I can git you froo if you slip me a monkey or two. See thit dodgy old Cortina, was it worf? A pony? A squirrel? Nah, I can shift the old girl for two big ones. You can too, so ger on me corse nah, or I'll sen roun da boyz.
Course prerequisites (fingz ya mus know firs - right):
Behind every great door is a great doorman, well actually in front (or just to the side of) every great door, but you know what I mean. This course covers everything you need to know about spotting the true celebs from the rif-raf. How to stop fifteen rugby players from entering (without losing your cool - but no necessarily your teeth). Learn to worship your door, to protect it with your life, find out how to wipe its furrowed brow and tend to its every need. Light sanding and varnish-touch-in topics are covered as well as door furniture polishing. Be a truly professional doorman, sign up today. Please note that doors will be provided as course material if needed, but it is always better to provide your own if at all possible.
Course prerequisites:
Desperate to 'borrow' that little nik-nak from next door, or to use the new 32" widescreen TV from number 42? Well what better way than to hold a BBQ, invite round your friends and ask if you can borrow the items. Your BBQ will be the envy of your estate when you prepare burgers having completed our course in burglary. Pork? Beef? Spiced? Frozen? Fresh? What to cook, how long for? Its a minefield, but master all forms of reconstituted meat cooking and you will have time to relax, have a drink with your friends, no more standing over the food constantly turning, constantly shifting the coals - and in your spare time we will show you how to slip out to nick the things you want.
Who can survive in today's world without knowledge of computers and all things informationistic and technologicalyified? This course will give you everything you need to get you started on a career in IBM's and DELL's. Additionally this qualification counts as 12 credits towards a National Diploma in Veterinary Midwifery and Advanced Paragliding. The course is split into 14 modules of six subjects, with split tutor based media learning, combined with seven core streams and five mandatory sub-course learning units, in conjunction with in a four semester linked programme of sixteen subjects and two core projects. And you can do all of this from the comfort of your own desk in our modern learning facilities. A Computer Based Training (CBT) version of this course is under development and will be available in the fourth term of the third year between alternate cycles of the waxing moon.
Course modules:
Like Bill Gates, Jeff Smuggett - Managing Director of Microsloft Ltd, has created a course for people to obtain Certified Systems Engineer status in all 68 variants of the Wyndowze operating system. The University is proud to host the learning centre for this course, run the exams leading to full qualification, and collect the tuition fees. This qualification is not to be confused with the Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer (MCSE) accreditation.
This is not a joke, there really is a qualification called the European Computer Driving License, and now you can get it from the University of Dudd. The curriculum is based around the final exam, which consists of a practical exercise and a number of questions. At first your examiner will ask you to read the label on the back of a computer at 10 yards, then they will proceed to the practical examination which will test your new skills such as the three-point-turn (de-installing Microsoft windows and replacing it with Linux), hill start (recovering a crashed laptop during a Board presentation) and of course the emergency stop (pull out the plug). At the end of the course you will be able to recognise a computer, name all of its parts, and give a convincing reason as to why you will never touch one again in your lifetime.
There are no formal course pre-requisites, however, a computer related phobia would be a distinct advantage. If you would like to know more about obtaining a recognised phobia, please read Java & XML (second Edition) by O'Reilly.
University of Dudd is of course totally fictitious, but if you still want to join a course we will be happy to take your course fees.
